To Help Me Look Within God Sent Me an Angel

All I saw was a McDonald's bag. I could smell the obnoxious odor of fried beef and fried potatoes; I hated McDonald's food. I transferred this feeling to the person who entered the room because it was his fault that I was feeling like this. He was holding the bag. His name was Jeff. Jeff belongs to an anonymous family of people trying to reach serenity through a power greater than themselves with a vigilant pursuit in spiritual principles to find the best of life. I never saw the person because I had already built a boundary between us. How long did it take? How long does it take to smell? Not long. So, I transferred the feeling of doom to a person I didn't even know. The mind that is undirected in spiritual principles and not accompanied by a higher power responds to everyday life just this way.

On, December 31, 2010, Jeff was found dead on the floor in his bedroom. Now, how do I feel? I pushed him away because of my own prejudice. He was a happy spirit trapped in compulsive behavior that had made his life miserable. He had health problems, self-esteem problems, eating problems, back problems, leg problems, feet problems, and living arrangement problems. He had so many problems that I wondered how he mustered up the strength to attend meetings every day.

He walked with a limp sideways because his shoes were very old and worn which caused him to wobble. He was always carrying a big drink container with an oversized food bag full of goodies he snacked on during the meetings. He wore double-layered clothes and had a pair of gloves. He moved around many times during the meeting, going to the lavatory, getting up to put a used cup or paper in the trash, and sometimes he would just stand up for minutes at a time because his back hurt or he got sleepy.

But in spite of all the movement and all the distractions, Jeff was at every meeting. I remember one day in particular; he got up to go to the lavatory. I was talking during the time and he just stood in front of me like I could read his mind. He suddenly interrupted me and asked for the lavatory key. I became livid, but I handed him the keys. At the end of the meeting I said, "Jeff, don't ever interrupt me when I am talking." The look in his eyes were like big water drops; he felt he had hurt me and was sorry. In that moment I felt as tall as an ant.


Jeff would hug everyone at every meeting. He made his rounds like clock-work. I resented this spirit that he had. I got to the point that I didn't want him to hug me but I allowed him to hug me anyway. I didn't want him to say, "Hi, Brenda." Jeff always said, "Hi Brenda,” and I didn't tell him to stop. I didn't want what he had to give. I am truly a broken person for feeling like I did not deserve his love. I would do anything for a, “Hi” and one of his hugs right now. He was like me, broken and reaching out for love. Too often, I do not realize that the person I resent the most is me for needing other people. I needed Jeff and my higher power made sure I got a chance to meet him. I didn't understand that God sent me an angel so I could look at myself.

The last time I saw Jeff, he came into the meeting with a McDonald's bag. He came in late so I missed his hug that night. I missed his, “Hi.” I noticed he had on new shoes that were green and black. He didn't wobble anymore. He sat down and then he moved to a seat between two other people. He began his usual ritual -- eating chicken, french fires, and yogurt. He had his big drink and his oversized food bag. He had a smile on his face although he was very ill. He showed us how to work a program of love.

I will truly miss Jeff; I didn't know how much I cared for him until now. He never missed a meeting and I loved that about him. There is so much I loved about him and I never told him. But, I think Jeff knew I loved him because he never stopped giving me love. I watched him like a mother watches her own children. Jeff was one of my children. I will miss him. I will always love him.

Looking back on this experience I have learned that we don't pick the people that come into our lives and their presence is no accident. The universe is constantly giving us answers and sometimes we misunderstand the lesson at first, but the universe does not give up teaching us what we need to know or what we need to learn: to be human and share ourselves. Forgiveness is a learned experience that God gives us as a tool. We must first forgive ourselves before we can forgive others. We must love ourselves before we can love others. This is why I must always believe that the answers are right in front of me if I open my heart and listen.

Brenda T. Brown (Ms. B) has published her first poetry book entitled Every Mother’s Daughter. She continues to write, teach, and help others take steps in the direction of their dreams. Visit her website at: www.brendatbrown.webs.com

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